My Personal Testimony

I was engaged to be married on October 28, 2000, however, God had a different plan for me.  My fiancé broke up with me 2 months before the wedding date. I was devastated and felt like my heart was broken into a million pieces scattered on the floor. I thought, what happened?  I was confused.  And I wanted to die. All my life plans were now being shuffled around.  I was brought to a place of the unknown, and I was scared.

So lets back up a bit.  I was raised with a Catholic upbringing, and I went to church because, well, quite honestly, I thought  “it was the right thing to do”.   I was the only one in my family who did so. I come from a family of 4, and would always attend church by myself.

In May of  2000, when I was still happily engaged,  I remember photographing one of the most beautiful weddings.  My couple’s names were  Bonnie & Peter.  I will never forget their wedding ceremony.  They had a gorgeous outdoor ceremony. Now, I photographed many outdoor ceremonies, so what was different about this one?  Well, something happened that day.  During the ceremony, I remember 2 singers they had come out to sing and celebrate with them.  They sang songs I had never heard before.  But one song stuck in my head.  It was called “I Could Sing of your Love Forever”.  You can listen to it  HERE.  As they sang, Bonnie & Peter joined in.  Then the entire bridal party joined in.  Everybody was singing, hands lifted up, tears in their eyes, joy in their faces.  Something sunk deep into my spirit.  I felt something around me.  I felt their joy.  I can’t explain it, but it was a great feeling.  I went on to photograph the rest of the day, feeling really great, but not thinking too much of it.

When I met my fiancé I was so in love.  After dating a while, he asked me to marry him.   I was so excited about our future.  So when it suddenly ended in August of 2000, I had to ask myself why.  What happened? I was crying day and night, trying to figure it out.  I didn’t know where my life was going anymore. I had to photograph a wedding the very next weekend and watch happy couples getting married on a regular basis and it just tore me apart.  Back in the days I was shooting film with my Bronica  SQA camera.  It was a very large, square  format camera with an elaborate flash set up, and thank God for that because as I watched the bride walk up the aisle with her father, I felt the tears streaming down my face.   Embarrassed, and hoping nobody would notice, I covered my face with the big, bulky camera in an attempt to hide my tears.  I managed to get through that wedding.

I had many sleepless nights after that, and so I would stay up late flipping through the channels. I came across a tv program called “Night Light Live”.  It was on from 2-4:30 am every night.  It sparked my interest because it was a live Christian based call in program and they would talk about life and God.  They had different hosts every night.  One of the hosts on that evening was sharing his story of how he was engaged to be married to the woman of his dreams when she suddenly broke up with him just before the wedding!  I thought I was listening to my own story!  What a coincidence.  I kept listening to this man as he talked about God and how God had healed his heart.  The host gave viewers a chance to call in to talk about anything that was on their hearts.  Well, I don’t know what came over me, but I actually picked up the phone and called the number on the screen!  Yes, shy little me.   I remember hurting all over as I made the call.  My eyes were bloodshot red.  The host picked up my call and I could all of a sudden hear myself on the tv.  I thought, what am I doing?  Well, I ended up sharing my story with the hosts.   They offered to pray for me, and I accepted.  After their prayer, I felt somewhat better, but was still really depressed.  Before they let me go, the host asked me a question that I thought was a little odd.
He said “Silvana, if you were to die today, do you know for sure that you are going to heaven?”.   I was taken back, and softly replied “Yes, I believe so.”   He then asked me why I thought so and what I based that belief on.  I said “Well, because I think I’m a good person.  I havn’t killed anyone”.  He expressed to me that that the bible doesn’t say that if you are a good person you will go to heaven.  I was shocked.  I thought, well then, how does a person get to heaven?  My grandparents and parents always taught us to be good people.  My sweet little old Italian grandmother couldn’t be wrong…..could she?  Before he let me go, he gave me a scripture verse from the bible.    Well, he certainly sparked my interest.  I thought, If it’s not based on merit and being a generally “good” person, then what is it based on? Okay, now I was even more confused than ever!

I was hooked!  I still couldn’t sleep at nights, so I watched “Night Light live” the next night, and for days thereafter.  It was on  daily from 2 am until 4:30 am, and I would watch the entire programs!  I was up anyways.  What the host said remained in my head.  I wanted to find that scripture verse in the bible and thought, “I must have a bible around here somewhere.”  But I just couldn’t find it.   Fair enough, I thought, I could never understand any of the Bible anyways.  It was like trying to read a different language and it never made sense to me.

When I tuned into the program one night, a youth pastor was on as the guest host.  He was talking about God, and I was drawn in.  He was from Crossroads Cathedral  Church, which just so happened to be down the street from my studio!  (At that time, I lived in my studio which was in a commercial/industrial area.)  That Sunday, I visited the church mentioned on the program.  I was greeted by many friendly people upon my entrance, and I thought, wow, this is weird.  It was a very different church experience than what I was used to.  I listened to the sermon, which really hit home for me.   A few people came up to me afterwards to introduce themselves.  I ended up visiting their bible study group which took place on Tuesday evenings at someone’s house.   (I didn’t even know Bible Studies existed!)  I was at a point where I wanted to know more about God, and was hopeful that He could actually help me with what I was going through.  Nobody else could.   Something was stirring up inside me and I  just needed to know.  I was still crying every day.

One night, after bible study ended, a girl asked if she could pray for me.  I said okay.  She took my hand, and prayed out loud.  Something else I had never experienced.  But what was even more bizarre is that everything she was saying was pertaining to my current life story!  She was bang on about everything!  I thought, I don’t even know this girl, how can she possibly know me and what I’m going through right now?  I started crying.  She started crying.  I realized afterwards that it was God who was speaking through her to me.  It was surreal.

After I left bible study that night, I drove back to my studio which was nestled in a secluded commercial/industrial area.  It was almost midnight.  There wasn’t a soul around.  I sat in my car, and I just thought about the evening.  The prayer, the words.  I suddenly started crying.  Actually, it was more like wailing.   I cried like I never cried before.  Everything came out.  I came to the realization that I could not live this life on my own anymore.  I thought, God, if you are real and you really love me then how come you let this happen to me?   This life was too hard.  I gave up.  I declared to God that I couldn’t do it anymore.  Nothing was working out,  and so, I asked him to guide me, to give me direction and truth.  I really wanted to know what this life was all about, and what my purpose was.  I thought there was no way we just live this life and work so hard, and then die.  There had to be more to it.  I also did something that I learned from watching a few nights of the program and also from what was discussed at bible study.  I repented of my sins, and decided to follow Christ.  I believed I was a sinner, and I confessed that He died on the cross for my sins.  I said this out loud, and I asked God to forgive me.  As  I cried more and more (and this went on for about 2 hours), I will never forget what happened.  God brought to my mind how I was living my life.   All the things that I had done.  Even the smallest things were still sin nonetheless.  Each one passed before me, and all of a sudden something came over me.  I was genuinely sorry, and all I could say was “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, please forgive me.”  Something else came over me, I suddenly felt his forgiveness in such a tangible way that I cannot put into words.  Even attempting to put into words does not do it justice.  I felt like I was being cleansed from the inside out!  It was the strangest feeling, but at the same time, the best feeling I have ever  felt in my entire life!  I had never felt such love before.  All the love I was trying to get from people, now God was showering me with.  My crying changed to laughing, and I felt like a crazy person.  I cried and laughed for hours in my car.  I felt a peace come over me like never before.  And I got the best sleep that night.  I will never forget that awesome  autumn day on October 23, 2000, when God saved me.

So I woke up the next morning, and when I went outside, everything looked different.  I know this sounds crazy, but the sky looked bluer (if that’s even a word), the grass looked greener, it was like everything was photoshoped and the saturation was bumped up 70%!  I had never seen things like this before.

I  walked into Fortino’s Supermarket to do some grocery shopping  and remember thinking about God as I took some cans off the shelf.  I thought, why am I thinking about God all the time now?  He was literally on my mind, and everywhere I was going.  And for the first time in my life, I was at peace.  I didn’t  have to worry about anything anymore.  I knew God was with me.   I felt Him with me.  For He tells us in his Word that “He will never leave us nor forsake us” – Hebrews 13:5.   I took great comfort in that. Again, I can’t really explain it, but it was concrete in my heart.  I remembered back to Bonnie & Peter’s wedding day where I first heard that song “I Could Sing of Your Love Forever”, and now it all made sense.  Nothing can truly fulfill us.  Not money, fame, family, recognition, a new car, a bigger home, another person, being the best photographer in the world…..nothing.  Only Jesus can satisfy us.  “For what shall it profit a man if he shall gain the whole world, and lose his own soul?” – Mark 8:36

That was 11 years ago, and I have never been the same.  God has never left me, just like He promises us.  It has been quite a journey.  God has done so many amazing things so far, and He has let me cross paths with so many incredible people.  I have many stories…..of which I may share with you one day should we have the opportunity to meet.  (or, you can just call me!  I love to share!  lol)

So going back to that night in my car, I finally got a bible, and I was told that if I pray first before reading, God will help me to understand.  Well, I tried it, and to my surprise, it was like someone had changed the language from Chinese to English!  It was so much easier to understand and I never really realized that everything we need to know about life is in there.  God left us a manual.  He did not leave us on this planet to just “try to figure it out and fend for ourselves”.  And so I continue to study it.  I also learned the real way of entering into heaven.  not by our works or by being “good enough”, but by repenting and following Jesus.  By coming to the realization that we are all sinners and that we all need a Savior.  God took care of all that by sending his only Son, Jesus, to die on the cross for our sins.  No matter what we have done, great or small, stealing a pen at work or committing murder, all of that can be dealt with by genuinely asking for forgiveness of our sins and turning our life over to God.  Yes, that’s right, God can even forgive even the worst thing you can think of if we are truly sincere in our repentance.  It’s a free gift for those who accept it.  And it’s not about getting everything in order and then going to God, because that will never happen.  It’s about going to God with all our “stuff” and He will take care of it and clean you up.

Many photographers ask why I mix my business with my beliefs, and some have even gotten really upset and defriended me on Facebook, and that’s okay, I can handle all that, but in reality, it is who I am. I am a follower of Christ first, and a photographer second, and I feel the need to share because people’s eternity is at stake here.  It is the most important decision you will ever make in your life.  I see so many hurting and lost people out there striving for the things of this world, which in the end, will never truly bring them any “real” joy or happiness and will only lead to death. They still have sin in their lives.  And unless they repent and follow Jesus, they will not see heaven when they die.

“For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him should not perish but have everlasting life.”  – John 3:16

There are not many roads leading to God, there is only one, and that is through Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior who died for us all.  “I am the way and the truth and the life.  No one comes to the Father except through me.” – John 14:6.

When we breathe our last breath on this earth, we can be comforted to know for sure that we can be with Him in all of eternity and that His face is the first thing we will see.   I am truly looking forward to seeing Him shine with all His glory!  Oh what a day it will be!!

thank you Jesus ~

P.S. – I want to put this out there.  If you’re reading this and are going through some difficult trials, depression, anxiety, loneliness, divorce, financial issues, busyness of day to day routine, helplessness,  addictions, sadness, anger, bitterness, feeling of not belonging, etc., or if you just want to chat!,  please contact me.  I would love to share with you how our God can transform lives, how He makes us a new creature, and how we can overcome.  I confess that I am by no means a counselor, but I can show you the love of  Jesus Christ and how the truth of His word can transform your life, and your eternal destiny.   You can call me or email.  Don’t be shy, I would love to hear from you. ~

MY GROOM’S FATHER PASSED AWAY 1/2 HOUR BEFORE WEDDING CEREMONY

(One of my God stories….if you’re interested in reading)           full post here